One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
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Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.