One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
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I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos