One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus