One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
You Might Also Like
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K