One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
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The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤