one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*