One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
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My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.