@longwall26: One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said "death or becoming a pirate king" and he threw my cat Alan at me
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I've narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
@TheBeerGuy73: *goes to the gym* *takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see* *hurries to the bar*
@TheMichaelRock: I hate when my wife says "GO WAIT IN THE CAR" because I'm not sure if she's talking to me or the kids.