@longwall26: One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said "death or becoming a pirate king" and he threw my cat Alan at me
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@GrowlyGrego: It's like my racist grandpa used to say: "Good morning." That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn't one of them.
@kelkulus: The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket. Novice dad reaction: "You ruined your pants." Veteran dad: "Thank God. I thought it was poop."
@AJEatsCake: Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.