@longwall26: One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said "death or becoming a pirate king" and he threw my cat Alan at me
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@sixfootcandy: [at the airport] Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma'am? Me: Sure. What can I get you?
@SamuelHLowe: - Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning. - When we first met? - No, before that.
@LuvPug: It must be pretty inconvenient when you meet someone from a dating site and you're already married to them.
@lawyerthoughts: court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there? me: i've got my phone plugged in back here your honor.