One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Pikachu found the lost joint
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.