I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
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*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Jogging
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later