Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.