“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
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Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.