One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
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My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words