One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
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My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.