One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
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selfie game
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.