One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
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Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
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Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
blocked.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
tis the season
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.