@WheelTod: One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said "Man. She must be really flexible!" but I told them "No, she has to work most weekends"
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@SatansTongue: *el chapo dies* God: okay I'm gonna have to send you to hell Chapo: ok *3 weeks later* Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell
@myonlymizztake: I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn't eat that cookie? That's -150 calories.
@3sunzzz: Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it's so simple! F2: no water F3: no chemicals Me: Your hair is filthy.
@jctwritesstuff: *has argument with husband* *brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011* *adds "Historian" to bio*