One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.