One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
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I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.