One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
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me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Botany good plants lately?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.