One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
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Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Chicken bread
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101