One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
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The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous