@dulcetry: One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said "friggity diggity" please do not rt
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@Shock_Monster: Hostess: Table for one? Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE? Hostess: ... Me: ... Hostess: ... Me: Yes, one please.
@urgeekisshowing: Personal trainer: So what's your goal? Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I'm not the one taking
@sweetandweak: Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
@jay_as_hell: choose one to drop: 1. acid 2. bass 3. out of college 4. the assault charges 5. that thun thun thun