One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
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Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.