One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
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I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Herpes is trending, good job people
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”