one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
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I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I want to meet the individual who made this
me, too, girl. me, too.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.