Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
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Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
#winning
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.