@VerbsRProudest: One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
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@iamburtjarvis: [starbucks] me: can i take some wifi home with me? barista: um. sure(?) me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine. FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied. ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
@TheTweetOfGod: Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.