@VerbsRProudest: One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
@natechartier1: Judge: I find him... not guilty *Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief* Cop: *cuffing him* So that's where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
@meladoodle: The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I've ever had
@BruceForce: Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get "punch" fr.. *gets knocked out by a grapefruit*