One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
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My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.