One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
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Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My teenage children choosing violence
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?