@iwearaonesie: *wife wonders where I am* *hears every musical snowman in the store start singing* *knows where I am*

@Abusitron: Waitress: "Enjoy your meal" Patron: "you too" Patron: 'why did I say that?' Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

@WineMummy: Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs. Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

@MichaelGoffLA: How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?

@meladoodle: A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they're useful messages. Like "remember you have yoga at 6 tonight"