One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
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You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Never forget.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
#winning
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.