One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
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Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t