@dulcetry: One time I saw a biker's funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
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@genehunter1: Twitter is the only place where you're thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.
@Paige__xxx: Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
@bigmacher: Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother's love isn't enough for him. #IfYourMomWroteYourTwitterBio
@DanMentos: *orders a medium pizza* *opens box* PIZZA: I've contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know- *eats pizza*