@zachreinert03: One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that's pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious
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@Deirdreocx: [Cops have a warrant for my arrest] Cops: you're coming with us! *Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away* Foot chase ensues.
@stephenjmolloy: Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we'd like to move her forward a year. Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.