@zachreinert03: One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that's pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious
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@evidentlyblonde: Open an ice cream shop with flavors like "don't be sad," "they're not worth it," "you deserve better" and see if people don't flock right in
@PeaceInTruth1: Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir. Me: Do you walk with a limp? Telemarketer: No. Me: Want to? Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.
@JaneBadall: Expecting an idiot to admit they're wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.
@Jake_Vig: [visit to zoo] See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.