Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
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best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Inside you there are two wolves
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.