If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
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when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Lmao
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.