@bobvulfov: One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
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@pattymo: "And the guy's name was Anthony WEINER? Come on" - high school AP U.S. history student, 2046
@WilliamRodgers: I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours... I always said I'd retire from comedy if I hadn't "made it" by 30. ...So I've got like 4 hours left
@leechee420: The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn't want you to be happy."
@Cpt_Burnout: Guy: "Do you have a lighter?" Me: "Yep" Guy: "You smoke?" Me: "No, you just never know when you're gonna need to light someone on fire."