One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
That’s easy for you to say
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.