one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
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too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I came this close!!!!
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”