@erica_rosie: One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: What do you think of my tweets? Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say? Wife: You're consistent.
@thatUPSdude: Devil: I want your soul! Me: Not for sale! Devil: Name your price. Me: Fix all my typos. Devil: Too much work, keep your soul.
@Angibangie: 6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy? - No, that's vodka. Don't touch it. And don't try to dilute it with water when you're 16 I invented that