One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
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“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.