One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
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*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
it must be school picture day
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*