One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
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At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Growing out my freckles.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Twitter is an abusement park.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.