@BlairLoudly: One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I'd love to hold your baby
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@AimeeHelene1: I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.
@_sleepysmile: What's with this 'running with scissors' bullshit? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos? Me: You have the flu. 6: I’m sick, not dead.
@LoveYoorFate: It's like my Uncle said, no body, no crime Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was...