@BlairLoudly: One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I'd love to hold your baby
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@bridger_w: Guy in the dressing room next to mine: "I don't want to get blood on these pants." I want to reply, "Then stay out of my way on the catwalk"
@iGreenMonk: She: We are having my mother For dinner tonight? Me: But darling i'm a vegetarian. . how can i eat her?
@Breadery: Her: What do you like about me? Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards. Her: What? Me: Your eyes