@Lisabug74: One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I'm telling you now.
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@Bedlam_Beersie: Jesus: ... when you saw only one set of footprints, that's when I was carrying you. Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints? Jesus: I didn't want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
@AmberTozer: Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me Guy: Can't believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
@aka_fatman: Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn't agree with me. [Inside my stomach] Chicken Quesadilla: "The Notebook" was an overrated film.