One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
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So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.