Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
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Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Close call…
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.