One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
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Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
OH. COME. ON.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale