one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
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I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Respect
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream