@DanMentos: One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I've said since then has been sarcastic
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@JohnLyonTweets: *watches Beauty and the Beast* *looks at dirty dishes in sink* WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
@NicCageMatch: Just saw a girl wearing a "BAD GAL" t-shirt so I yelled "NO!" & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
@BuglegsMcWalshy: Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady's house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
@nowarranty: If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.