@DanMentos: One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I've said since then has been sarcastic
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@ericsshadow: ME: have you seen my keys? WIFE: check your pockets ME: nope [phone rings] ME: hello? CIA: check your other pocket
@BlindChow: Years ago I tried on my sister's bra, couldn't undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I'm still wearing it. I live in shame.
@RocketRankoon: "What time is it?" *pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away* *Still has no idea what time it is*
@tastefactory: I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there's a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv