One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
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DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.