One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
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I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.