One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
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[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”